Twists of life...

I just wonder… How everything can change from one moment to the next? How can a void, bigger than a black hole, just appear in your chest and you still keep on breathing? You simply keep on inhaling and exhaling because life has not yet finished for you; because that muscle, right in the middle of your chest, is still beating and pumping and pushing you to keep on going. But how can you possibly bear to live, to wake up every morning and go to bed every night, with such emptiness in your soul?

My mother died two weeks ago. Her heart stopped beating suddenly, out of the blue, and life simply abandoned her. It left her body lying on the floor and drifted to the air to become part of some other life, or simply evaporated or went up to heaven. I really don´t know where it went. I don´t even know if it went somewhere. But it´s not here anymore. She was so young.

This has been on my mind for some time. How fragile life is, how uncertain, how unpredictable, how capricious it can be. What one takes for granted, what´s certain or indubitable, can shatter from one second to the other – it might not even take a minute – and then, all that you know is true, all your reality, just crumbles down like a house of cards. You have no other choice other than to simply keep on breathing and moving, because it wasn´t your heart the one that stopped beating. The clock keeps on ticking on the wall, the cars keep on racing in the streets, but you still have to wake up every morning to a new day even if your whole being wishes to stay in bed. So then, numb with grief, languid and enervated, you just move…

So now I feel as if I´m in limbo. I´m in that state of shock that takes over after an accident, explosion or traumatic situation - I imagine - when your mind just tries to process what´s going on, where to run, where to find shelter. So now I´m just wondering… wondering why things happen, wondering what will happen next, what to do, what has become of her, what will become of me and my family. I´m just wondering. And wandering too. At the moment I can´t make any permanent decision, can´t look further than the tile I´m currently standing on. So I know that, at least in the meantime, everything will have to be at my own rhythm, taking one step at a time, not rushing anything or being held back by anyone, but simply at my own pace and in my own way. Because I know that this is a solitary path.

So now “Edna in New Zealand” is over. For the time being, I´m back in Argentina with my family and old friends. But my new friends are here with me as well, even if I left them back in another continent. All the people I love are here surrounding me and have been here all this time supporting me. Some call, others come by to visit, others write e-mails or leave messages on my answering machine; one has even flown all the way from New Zealand to accompany me in these hard times. So I haven´t felt lonely in these past two weeks and I´m extremely grateful for that.

I know my mother is not here anymore though it´s still hard to believe. I hadn´t seen her for eight months and now I won´t see her ever again. I miss her every day and she´s always on my mind. Her voice especially is there. A week ago I invited the people I love to my house because it was my birthday. Of course I didn´t want to celebrate. When I went to buy a cake for tea, they asked me if I wanted candles. I said no. And suddenly, from a corner of my mind, my mother´s voice galvanized: “Oh, Georgie, no seas boluda! It´s your birthday! Go and have fun with your friends and buy some candles!” I didn´t buy candles, but tried my best to keep her voice in my head.

I don´t know if God exists. I always believed in Human Beings and the power of will. I guess that now I wish God was real. Hopefully, he will greet my mother face to face up there somewhere between the clouds and just make her feel at home. Maybe she´ll have a better life now when dead than before when alive.

These are the twists of life, those milestones that determine your character, forge relationships, break others, and change you forever.

 
 
(Photos: Corine Pratt -07/06/51 - 5/08/10)